apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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