Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
