If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
