wanna go halves on a baby?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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