careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
