I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
