Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
