Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
