I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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