you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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