I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
