see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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