i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
