I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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