I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize