You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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