i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
