i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
