Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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