So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
