Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
