No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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