On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
