Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
