He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
