Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Let's get the cat blown out
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
