What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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