WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
