Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She's like a pop up book from hell.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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