Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
