Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize