R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
