I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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