I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
