Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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