I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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