I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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