Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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