Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
