I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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