I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You are a genius and a whore.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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