walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
