I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
