if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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