I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
