i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
