i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
