I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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