Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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