You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
