So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
