I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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