So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
