he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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