Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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