i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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