If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
