Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
