He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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