dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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