I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
