whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
