when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
