I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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