The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
