he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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