You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
