I'm eating all of the evidence.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
